August 16, 2004 @ 12:51 a.m.
The Starvation Party

Im2evil4u�s Four Simple Rules for Party Throwing:

1 - Do not indicate a 6:00PM start time unless you, the hostess, and your entire family and all of your other guests, intend to show up at 6:00PM.

1a - Apologize to your co-workers and your boss who sat around like lunk-heads for an hour and a half in an empty room before you and your entire family and all of your other guests arrive at 7:30PM.

2 - Consider the fact that the last time your guests might have eaten was noon and do not plunk down plates full of Rugala, Doritos and Cr�me Savers candy in front of them

2a � Do not tease your guests, who have not eaten since noon and therefore ravenous, by setting up the chafing dishes, placing the trays of food in and NOT light the god damn sternos.

3 � When your co-workers and your boss decide to leave at 9:00, do not beg them to stay a little longer. They have been there longer than you have and without nourishment. Besides, they want to go to the nearest Wendy�s before it closes for the evening.

4 - It is not acceptable for anyone to drag a four day old baby across two states to attend a party. No matter what the occasion.

I was beginning to think we arrived at the wrong place. The Christening balloons kind of indicted that we were where we were supposed to be. But when I asked what the time was and all three of them lifted their left arms simultaneously to glance that their watches, I was beginning to doubt myself. Perhaps I entered the wrong address number when I got the directions off Mapquest.

Finally at 7:15 someone arrived that might have been a family member but she spoke only Spanish. Since I failed Spanish four years in a row and the little that I did retain I have completely forgotten thus I couldn�t communicate very well with her. We must have looked pretty parched however, because she lifted an imaginary glass to her lips and went �Ahhhhh.� �Si, Si� I said.

Thank God, for High School Language requirements.

Shortly after 7:30 people started piling in and the family busied themselves preparing for the party, the very party that had started an hour an a half ago.

Not only was I the designated driver I was apparently the entertainment for our table of four and was in the middle of telling yet another story, this time about my Great Uncle who while married to my Great Aunt was having an affair with her daughter and that my Great Aunt knew about it, when a guest placed a CD in the stereo and turned the volume dial all the way up.

Spanish Techno at full volume for hours on end kind of made me dislike Spanish Techno. It also makes for great conversation, I must say. Although I tried to keep our table entertained, I simply couldn�t scream loud enough for them to hear me.

Once again I asked, screamed rather, what time it was and all three of them looked at their watches simultaneously - perfectly choreographed. This set me off and I started to laugh uncontrollably, once they realized what I was laughing at they also started to laugh. We were delirious from hunger.

Thankfully, one of her young nieces came around to feed us.

A perfect combination with my Corona and The Princess�s Zinfandel - I still haven�t stopped burping and I�m certain The Princess is still hovering in the vicinity the porcelain god.

By 8:45, nearly nine hours since we had eaten, the sternos still remained unlit and we collectively agreed to leave at 9:00 and hit a Wendy�s that we had driven by on the way there.

We tried to leave at 9:00 and were begged to stay. It was at that point that discovered that not only was I the designated driver and comic relief for the evening, I was also in charge of making the decision to leave or not.

�It�s up to you, Evil�

What was I supposed to do? The girl was begging us to stay and swore that the food would be ready in twenty minutes.

So we waited, and waited and waited.

The Princess began attempting break world records by trying to create the world�s tallest pyramid of individually wrapped Cr�me Savers.

The other two had their arms up on the table holding their heads in the upright position. I was getting annoyed because they were clearly showing their boredom while I at least tried to look like I was having a good time by bouncing around in my chair to the deafening Spanish Techno beats.

My ears were bleeding and I was practically passing out on the table from lack of nourishment, but I was bouncing. OR maybe the vibrations from the music on the floor were making my chair move thereby creating the illusion that I was bouncing when I was actually sleeping.

When I woke, it was this afternoon and I am confident that last night was all a long, bad dream - a dream so realistic that I woke with this cheesy party favor in my hand.

shivers

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